having asked a similar question of means/ends myself, i think the quoted passage (at the end of the message) from uri gordon's "anarchy alive!" may help. in the original, "voluntarily" is in italics. and the rest of the discussion is really good too, i didn't paste the whole thing, but i really suggest it. and gelderloos's "how nonviolence protects the state" also has a nice discussion of violence, means & ends. there's also pacifism as pathology by churchill (all of which are available at bookos.org), but i haven't finished that yet, so i'm not sure to what extent it would relate to your concerns.
also, gelderloos - anarchy works is also a good start, it basically provides you with the general frame, concepts and bits of discussions by asking commonsensical but important questions.
"Unlike other revolutionary movements, anarchists explicitly distance themselves from the position that the end justifies the means. They cannot say that violence, on whatever level, would be justified just because it helps achieve a free society. Rather, they believe that means and ends should always be of the same substance. The argument thus tends to take the following, straightforward form: ‘Anarchists want a non-violent society. Anarchists also believe that the revolutionary movement should prefigure the desired society in its means and ways. Therefore, anarchists cannot use violence to achieve a non-violent society’. This argument again seems very logical, but it fails on several counts. Beginning with the first premise, it is simply untrue that anarchists desire a ‘non-violent society’ and nothing else. If lack of violence were the only issue, then one might expect anarchists to equally desire a hypothetical totalitarian state, in which the threat of Draconian sanctions is so effective that all citizens obey the law and the state consequentially does not need to ever actually use violence. The point, of course, is that anarchists want a stateless, voluntarily non-violent society. Given this, it should first be emphasised that the type of violence anarchists are primarily concerned with abolishing is violent enforcement or institutional violence – an area in which complaints about prefiguration are irrelevant since anarchists certainly do not promote or use these forms."
(i think this is more a comment than an answer, so i hided it from answers, and pasted it here.)