I think you are getting your information about what anarchists are for and against from some biased sources.
There is nothing about anarchism that is inherently opposed to violence, in fact, we have a rich tradition of violence against what we hate. Some of it was even effective.
As far as ends and means, I also think you are painting us (us being anarchists) with a broad brush that ignores a lot of nuance. There are anarchists who advocate bombings and assassinations, there are anarchists who are only in favor of actions against inanimate objects, and there are those who will tell you we need to not act in any way that reproduces the violence of society. Then there are those who don't give a shit.
Violence is present in life. I am both not a fan of violence (or, to be honest, interpersonal confrontation - funny, right?!), and I want to attack and destroy every vestige of the world that I hate. That urge towards violence has none of the moralism you imply. It is about hatred, it is about anger, and it is about acting in a way that I choose to act in that moment.
You seem to be trying to distinguish between "good" violence (windows smashed, molotovs thrown at cops/fascists, etc) and "bad" violence (cops, US bombs, prison, rape, etc). I am hesitant to categorize violence in these ways. It is, and we are all involved in it, explicitly or implicitly. It is a question, at least to me, of what is going to work in a given situation.
Here are some things you might like to read:
Against the Corpse Machine http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/ashen-ruins-against-the-corpse-machine-defining-a-post-leftist-anarchist-critique-of-violence
You Can't Blow Up a Social Relationship http://theanarchistlibrary.org/authors/libertarian-socialist-organisation
(I am generally not in agreement with the overall tome of this text, but I think it is worth reading, especially with...)
You Can't Blow Up a Social Relationship... But You Can Have Fun Trying! http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/bob-black-you-can-t-blow-up-a-social-relationship-but-you-can-have-fun-trying
How Nonviolence Protects the State http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/peter-gelderloos-how-nonviolence-protects-the-state
Pacifism as Pathology http://zinelibrary.info/files/pap_imposed.pdf
The Master's Tools http://littleblackcart.com/The-Masters-Tools.html
(I just got this and haven't finished it, but it seems like it is valuable in addressing some of what you are exploring)
I also think that some of the ideas explored in the writings of assorted individualists, nihilists, and illegalists might be useful in fleshing out the ambivalence I am trying to express about violence.